String Bean goes to school

     On String Beans first day of preschool he pleasured his elderly teacher in “inappropriate” and “nauseating” ways. The way i remember it, I was aroused as she took her dentures out during nap time and she was aroused when i offered her my pacifier. For both young and old alike, there is just something about saliva,natures oldest aphrodisiac,  that triggers a humans most basic instinct. That instinct is to transform into full fledged sexual battle mode, clear out the janitors closet and in the words of the late great Marvin Gaye "get it on"! Man oh man, there is NOTHING like a unmitigatedly experienced woman.Even as a young bastard who was born far out of wedlock and was lucky enough to have not yet experienced puberty, String bean could appreciate her perfectly aged 98 year old beefcake. That bag of bones was like Hantra Tantra herself in the sex chamber! Lets just say Stringbean ate his lunch for free that day, and they were serving pussy. That was the best combo meal with extra buffalo sauce i’ve ever had! 
    On the second day of preschool, StringBean was playing on the seesaw,naturally naked, with a very fat boy. When the massively overweight child introduced himself as Big Shit, Stringbean knew he had found a comrad for life. Stringbean would yell things like “Yo Big Shit! lets make an ice cream sandwich dog!” The two of us would then find the class cripple and make him the ice cream to our sandwich. Strangely, the cripple always loved this and after working up a nice sweat all three young lads would depart from the ice cream sandwich party with strange, seemingly unexplainable lumps in the front of their trousers. Looking back, Stringbean now knows this lump is natures way of telling him his bean stock is ripe for the harvest! 
    We soon added the cripple, affectionately known as jiggle tibias, to our crew.We were known as the Soft Served Sex Offenders and the soft served sex offenders went harder than a fetish porn mogul at a private showing of circus ole!! We had jiggle tibias competing in every wheel chair race on the east coast. We were betting all our Pogs (not Pokemon, stringbean didn't play that shit!) on him to take first place and old Jiggle Tibias never failed us. Jiggle tibias was quite the partier. You should've seen that guy with a few capri suns and some prescription meds in him! That super human was a mix between a human dart board and a vending machine if i ever saw one.
    We were on the back end of a road trip to San Jose and Jiggle Tibias had once again blown away the  competition in his freshly greased chair. When we received our winnings and I ran to the local San Jose Quick Stop with String Beans signature blistering speed, got me some Gogurt, slurped one down real fast looked at the cashier who was obviously intrigued, let out a belch, looked him in the soul with the fatal bean stare and yelled “GOGURT bitch....FUCK YOGURT!”. I then proceeded to kiss him on the lips, he immediately fainted (or died, stringbean never sticks around long after the bean stair has plundered its helpless victim). The soft served sex offenders then proceeded to rob the whole joint and lets just say we took what was rightfully ours. I crawled over the counter, picked up a few cartons of American Spirits, urinated on my permeating stairs attractive looking yet helpless casualty and whispered gently in his ear “That’ll do lassy, thatll do." then I yelled “Ay Yo Fat Shit! Get me some Fun Dip!” and with that, the Soft served Sex offenders were off like argentinians from a steakhouse. Jiggle Tibias won his fight with the town pervert for the last bag of potatoes. Man, that guy was always eating potatoes!
     Thankfully Big Shit had remember to grab a few gallons of Whole Milk because to String Beans dismay his ample breast had finally run dry of lactate  the previous forenoon after a very long suck fest/bender/alligator fuck house. Whats string bean without his milk? NOT FUCKING MUCH! We all had our vices, potatoes, fast women, and fun dip.            
      String Bean went to reflect on life by the beach for a few hours and returned to the Soft Served Sex offender’s motel room to find something that an inexperienced possessor of life may call strange. Jiggly tibias, that crazy bastard, was riding around in the parking lot completely nude with an even nuder Big Shit on his lap. His Wheelchair did not look like it was holding the extra weight well.They were all strung up on fun dip and Big Shit was screaming at the top of his lungs “JIGGLE TIBIAS IS THE ULTIMATE MALE!” “JIGGLE TIBIAS IS THE VLADE DIVAC OF OUR GENERATION!”, “YOU CAN HAVE MONICA SLICK WILLY! JELLY TIBIAS WILL TAKE HILLARY! “GREASE HIS GEARS, CALL THE COPS, BUT DONT CALL ME VAN GOGH!” and finally "ALL HAIL THE HONOROBLE KIM JUNG IL! FOREVAAAAAAA! at this point Stringbean realizes they had gotten ahold of a bad batch of Fun Dip. Damn you San Jose Quick Stop! They then sped off down the road  and String Bean hopped on a tricycle and tried to keep up. They sped down a steep hill and madness ensued. I saw the whole thing in slow motion and I wish I had not. That chair wasn’t built to hold that kind of weight. It wobbled from side to side and hit an “innocent” pedestrian head on. I can barely bring myself to describe what i saw. THE HUMANITY! THE CARNAGE! Make it stop, make it stop. But it didn’t stop.
    Big Shit flew one way, the pedestrian seemed to collapse into a heap of used car parts, and jelly tibias, bless his heart, skidded across the pavement like applesauce onto a dinner plate. I saw it all man. Stringbean ran to his friends and tried to revive them, but to no avail. Bystanders called the cops, all three humans were pronounced dead at the scene. I was incarcerated but then temporarily released on bail. I was then taken to the the place where it all started for the Soft Served Sex Offenders, our Pre school. I glanced longingly at the seesaw where me and Big Shit had met and even more longingly at the shady spot under the monkey bars where “the three meat treat” had our first ice cream party. 
    I was escorted to our principals office. I walked in and He said “you must be the one they call stringbean”. I responded with a booming “MY REPUTATION PROCEEDS ME, MOTHER FUCKER”.“oh boy oh boy are you in trouble” He said. There was only one thing to do. I instantly de-pantsed myself and violently discharged all the feces from my body onto his red fucking carpet. The carpet now resembled a tasty red velvet cake.He looked shocked, so I looked him in the face and said “My apologies, i just assumed you and your wife shared the same fetishes.” 
 
to be continued in part 2: String Bean goes to jail

STRING BEANS CHILDHOOD

  I was raised as a poor black child. Just kidding, Stringbean is colorblind and doesn’t see people in races or ethnicities as I could never tell my brown crayons from greens or purples from blacks. They tell me I was born in a hospital on the east coast but I consider myself more of a citizen of the world. I was born a few weeks pre-mature and spent my innocent days in an incubator.

            It was in this incubator I learned what a tough, dog eat dog world it was. I was put in the incubator next to a slightly bigger older black baby named chuck. Now I said I do not see color but chuck was mean and sole less so therefore he lacked light and was black. He told me that the world was full of sex, used needles, crooked cops, dirty jock straps and prostitutes. Chuck and I would talk in baby language for hours on end. Until one day one of the men in white came and scooped him out of our home and I was left alone to “grow” in my newfound habitat. I missed chuck but I did not miss chuck at all.

            The men in white came and scooped me out about a week later. I was given a light blue beanie and at the brisk age of zero was already swaggin. I was the subject of desire for every person with a pink beanie in the nursery. They would shoot me longing glances as I taught them what lust was before they were even potty trained. We all giggled, we all cried, and we all soiled ourselves, as lovers do. It was in that nursery that I learned the ABCs of life! I and my pal Julio were pulling all sorts of shenanigans. In our first week there we already had a monopoly of the most attractive pink hat people, the best nurses for breastfeeding, and the warmest blankets. We hadn’t seen the Godfather yet, but we ran a pretty tight operation. I think they caught on to us though because before long settings changed and I and Julio grew apart like estranged gypsy lovers who had an unforgettable one night fling in Peru. Well Julio, we will always have Peru!

            Soon enough my settings changed like the leaves in the fall! Now I foolishly thought that being fed by someone would be half as fun as when the fat nurse at the hospital had tucked my tiny pre-mature body securely into her jelly rolls and hopped around like she was momma kangaroo and I was her little joey, but I was wrong! I was thinking it would be a romantic experience like eating juicy grapes seductively dropped into my mouth by my lovers tender hands, still sore from the previous night. Instead this food was shoved down my mouth and didn’t taste like anything; it put me to sleep in mid bite like some kind of perverted lullaby!  I was forced to defecate and urinate in these fluffy padded underpants that some big woman was always changing. They taught me not to get attached to anything because it will just get taken away. All I ever wore was those things and a bucket on my head. I called myself bucket man and bucket man was often spanked for running around naked touching himself and taking craps on the dinner table, during dinner. Bucket man liked to be spanked. Needless to say I wasn’t a very clean child often rubbing dirt all over my face before sacrificing one of the fatter children I caught wondering onto my turf in a bizarre ritual that I performed in the sandbox when no one was around and that is all I have to say about that.

            Pretty soon I was wrestling anyone who tried to knock my shine. Whether they were big or small I would grapple and body slam them like a jezebel in a sorority mud wrestling contest. One day after I had body slammed a much older boy in my front yard and was urinating on his unconscious body I heard a voice coming from across the way. 

“Hey boy, come on ova here now”

            Those words changed my life. I went over to find an old grey man rocking back and forth in his rocking chair whistling bob Dylan, drinking from a glass bottle, and spitting something from his dry lips. He talked real country and had three and a half teeth. He wore overalls and boots. That’s it, and I dug his style. He told me his name was pork chop and he could make me the greatest wrestler that ever lived.  I believed him and I waddled over to his house the first chance I got with my fluffy white underpants full of goodies. Pork Chop had constructed a full size ring in the back of his house and I turned it into my perverted playground. He often made me wax his toes and shave his body hair but it was all to teach me to fight! One time he even made me cook him dinner every night for week and dress like a female waitress, call him daddy, and act like he was at a restaurant. I still don’t know what that had to do with wrestling but I trust Pork Chop and would never second guess him! He taught me the ins and outs of the ring and told me all sorts of stuff the younger me could not understand, I liked pork chop because he didn’t have a problem with bucket man using the world as his toilet and often took my droppings inside, I never found out what he did with them, I digress, I also always wondered where Pork Chops family was and why he never showered. 

            Pork chop had a brief problem with a rat in the house, and one day I helped him put mousetraps all over his tiny shack of a home. The next day I ventured over to find him standing over the dead mouse in the trap, beating off, he looks up at me and asks “YOU LIKE THAT BOY?” I wasn’t sure what to do at that point but how could I ever abandon a man who had bestowed upon me such pearls of wisdom as “I like my women tall, so I can climb em like trees!”

            At the brisk age of seven, Pork Chop had sculpted me into a statue of wrestling dominance. I was taking on all comers! No one could stop my high flying kicks or my seductive crotch grabs. I was the best and I knew it. I adopted the name String Bean and the rest is really history.  One day after pork chop slapped me around for not executing the perfect close line he sent me home early. I knew something was wrong because good ole Pork Chop never sent me home early!

 I came over the next day and the ugliest, fattest woman I have ever seen came running out of his house screaming and bleeding and just absconded down the street. I tried to chase but she was miraculously fast and she was naked and smelled so utterly horrendous that I could not bring my seven year old self to chase her. I walked into Pork Chops one room house and will never forget what I saw. He was lying on a broken bed shattered glass and melted candles everywhere. There were all sorts of whips, ropes, and shackles, and I didn’t know what to think. Pork chop called me over to his side. I could barely make out the features on his face, his boots were finally off and his overalls undone. He was a broken man but he finally looked satisfied. He looked deep into your loyal narrators eyes and gathered the strength to utter his final words “Boy, this Pork Chops been eaten.”

String Bean Writes a letter

Dear Bean Nation, I write to you as i sit here eating cookies and milk in yet another attempt to eat my broken heart. The milk is a metaphor for my tears, and the cookies are a metaphor for my teenage hormones.Seriously, im eating cookies and milk and they taste oh so sweet, but love it can be oh so bitter.We are all just overweight midgets running around naked in the dollar store.Life isn't all milk and cookies.Life will slap you in the pants and steal your favorite beanie baby. Life is that guy that's making love to your neighbor a little too loudly, so you look out your window to see whats going on, and he's really hairy and wearing a leather mask.That guy is life, and life's crazy.I settle down as the sweet taste tickles my taste buds and i start to get aroused. I just want to call dirty randy and tell him to send over two mail Asian background dancers so i can watch them play horse and rider (whips included)  and then enjoy a long bath in grandmas maple syrup as i watch the notebook on an endless loop.Another bite of the cookies and another cool sip of milk, it drips down my chin like sweet tangy love juice, but string bean doesn't mind.Life is like that sweaty elementary school gym teacher that stole your innocence that one day in the bathroom, but you cant do anything about it. Sometimes though, life is that scantily clad party girl grinding on you and spotting you lines of cocaine at your local Latin dance club. She's wild, crazy, and satisfying.However, one mourning she'll leave you cold,naked,freshly shaved, and alone.She hitched a ride on the nearest freight train and is most likely making a "special visit" to the the conductors cabin as these words pour from string beans soul. She'll be going to every major prison on the east coast to suck off a warden and make unpayed conjugal visits to serial killers.She will never leave you dry mouthed but she will always leave you broken hearted....time to take a sip

IM BACK BEOTCHES!!!!

yeah thats right bitches string bean is fucking back! I woke up in a hospital bed last night and they informed me i have been in a coma for the last month, they said i was found behind a taco bell counter at 4 am, when i awoke i felt two things.....HORNY AND DIRTY!!!so i called up my good friend dirty randy, and we shot a bit of a film ;),THAT SHIT HITS THE INTERNET SOON!now that my movie careet has begun my career will really take off, ohhhhhh hold on hold on i know all you out there in bean nation want to hear more about this video me and dirty randy filmed!well if i spoiled the whole video dirty randy would brutally rape me. He would then kill me by sticking his foot so far up my ass that my lungs collapse, he would then procede to rape my corpse and continue to use it in his videos,i digress, i can give you a little taste of the electronic heroin we call porn. Its me dirty randy and a few gay chinese men who fled china for obvious reasons. The experience was thoroughly satisfying, i could barely walk for a few days.(the china men and several farm animals died during the filming)  Once i recovered from this experience by thouroughly icing my ass and rubbing icing all over my anus and having my dog lick it off.(scottie liked that!)I took a few bubble baths with my neighbor, she is a sexy bitch!dont believe me??then fuck you!!i will prove it!!when talking about whether a girl is a bonified sex machine or not string bean likes to go to the stats!my neighbor has the stats of an ancient canadian goddess. Shes about 4 feet 3 inches tall and weighs four hundred pounds.(in the sac she makes me call her the bulldozer) Shes got pail skin and is all natural.(this means she shaves no part of her body and i often find myself brushing my teeth after laying down biblically with chaka and when im done my tooth brush is filled with her hair, needless to say string bean likes that, i then take all this hair put it into a giant pot mix it with scotties fecies and chicken broth, throw it in a blender, and slurp it down like its an ice cold coca cola!)So if by the stats stringbean has provided, you still would not roll around in the sac with chaka, then stringbean wants no part of a relationship with you!When in doubt always check the stats.Over the next 24 hours (stringbean still couldnt walk, thanks alot dirty randy!)Stringbean just layed back while scottie and chaka faught for his attention and took turns pleasuring the mountain of a man they call stringbean.Be back sooner than last time!

love you all,
STRING BEAN!!!!!!

WHO THE FUCK AM I?!?!?!

listen up all you cock sucking mother fucks!string bean is here to fuck shit up. I eat shit and shit gold!im the best damn wrastler this side of the potomac has ever seen. I will put your daughter in my deepest and darkest choak hold and she will like it!I will shatter your dreams!i am sexy, i am clean, i am filthy, and i am cooked!if you like fried foods you will love stringbean! stringbean says what he is thinking and thinks about what he is saying after he says it!whatsup?!whatsup!?stringbean!